A selection of options and extra’s on your new car.

Air conditioning: Pet hate: Air con can be an expensive extra, open a window and save yourself money. We only have warm weather for six weeks a year in this country, aircon could be a con. ( Aircon will definitely effect the economy of your car, can also be costly to maintain, possibly 200.00 to recharge anually.) Most new vehicles have this as standard equipment, soon you will not have the option to decline this completeley uneccesary item on your new car .

Airbag. You will not find this explosive item on your old classic Mini. Only full of wind but can save good looks.

Rear fog lights: Made to dazzle following traffic. ( A sure way to annoy lorry drivers.)

Rain sensitive windscreen wipers: Can’t you tell when it is raining?

Choke: Handy handbag hanger, (not found on new cars)

Reclining seats: don’t sleep when driving. ( Can be useful for late night pleasure.)

Leather upholstery: Fancy sitting on a piece of dead cow.

Seat cover: Could this be slang for female passenger?

Cocktail cabinet: It’s illegal to drink more than one and drive.

Dog guard: leave the dog at home to guard the house or is your car worth more than the house.

Cruise control: saves a speeding fine, and an aching right ankle.

Traction control: A must for boy racers.

Four wheel drive: Farmer’s favorite.

ABS. brakes: all behind stop. (Just drive a bit slower.) This complicated equipment can be extremely expensive to repair

Sunroof: In England, what sun? (Useful to carry long planks,) open at night for sat. nav. (Look at the stars.)

Power steering: Dont bother, use your arms save going to the gym.

Disc player: Many a good tune can be played on an old disc player.

Digital clock: Unless you Live in your car, the twenty four-hour clock is useless.

Analogue clock: What a clever idea, an ordinary clock in a car.

Mobile phone: Cant you wait to speak?

Automatic gearbox: Extra gear you can select.

Cigar Lighter: No smoking in my car. (Why should we have to pay for this when we dont smoke?) A smokers car has a much lower resale value.

Ash tray: If unused by puffers, can be useful for non smokers to keep small change in.

On board computer: Do you really want to know how few miles to the gallon your car does?

Height adjustable seat: Are you vertically challenged?

Adjustable steering column: Good if you have short arms.

Rear spoiler: Does it spoil your’s?

Central locking. Just hope it locks the doors.

Reversing Sensor. Essential for people with long blonde hair.

Keyless entry. Ok until you lose entry fob.

Child proof locks. Do you want to stop the kid’s getting out or in?

Vanity mirror: Are you vane?

Heated screen: Try using a scraper, or buy a tube of de-icer.

In car entertainment: Havent you heard of dogging?

Radar detector: Detect it!you cant even see it.

Glove box: Only useful if you wear gloves, can be usefull to hide your Satnav from the tealeaf.

Satellite navigation: Has a major fault, sometimes takes you up the garden path and around the wrekin. Another problem with Satnav. the colourfull moving screen could be a distraction, old fashioned road map could prove to be a safer cheaper option.

Map reading Light: Brush up your map reading skill Handy when sat. nav. gets stolen.

Eight speaker stereo: Are you deaf as well as daft?

Tinted glass: Have you been banned?

Immobiliser: Dont lose your key.

Car alarm: Does yours go off at four in the morning?

Tracker system: Check where the wife is.

Electric windows: Ok. until they stop operating, just hope they stop working when closed, another extremely expensive item to repair.

Electric mirrors: Ideal for lazy drivers, downside, you will need a bank loan if you have to replace.

Roof rack: Handy seat for obnoxious kids.

Top box: Good for carrying tops.

Antisubmarine seats: I see no submarines.

Express Factors in Worcester can supply any part for any car. Tel. 01905 616611

Heated seats: Warm bums, flat battery. (Do you need heated seats in your house?) Research has proved that heated seats can burn your nuts and give you piles.

Personalised registration: Afraid of forgetting yours? (ever seen 1 pratt.) A good point it hides the age of your vehicle. Did we really want to know your name, perhaps it is to show what birks they are. We dont care what they drive or what their nickname is. You may as well put a flashing neon sign on top saying I am a twat.

Cup holder: Dont have a hot drink on the move, you could scald big jim and the twins.